Is your Creativity an Idea or a Reality?

I’ve been back and forth, claiming myself to be many things that I am not. Just to name a few; ethnobotanist, nutritionist, herbalist, philosopher, artist, pianist, writer, educator, and probably many more. Everyday I wake up in the morning and I feel like something is missing, like my identity is sifting through the wind. So many times, I’ve tried to find my balance in being creative; in delving deep into beautiful work, and trying to be like those who inspire me. The older I get, the more I realize- its those very people that inspire me, are the ones I am finding myself in. In their vision, in their creativity, in their belief for their vision- there I see myself.

I see myself happy and hopeful, that I can do all of the above. I can complete all of my goals, and shine brightly like them. Some of my goals to name a few are, to become a community health educator, to write, to draw, to become an herbalist, to be a facilitator for trainings, to lead in verbal activism, to work in sustainable agriculture overseas, and be an advocate for preserving indigenous culture- and to document it all. In my head its bountiful, its bright, and I see my future in the bodies of women like Issa Rae, Yara Shahidi, Teyana Taylor, Rihanna, and of course my Youtube superwomen. I even saw my power in my ex boyfriend- strong, and decisive. But, the one place I don’t see my power is in me. Because I can’t figure out which of these identities does my power lie- is it in being a writer, a painter, a singer, a songwriter?

Everything my inspirations are, is what they are. I am trying to find myself somewhere in their happiness of artistic expression, and I have been unfulfilled for years, trying to fill a gap- as a (insert profession here). But exactly, what is it that I am, if I am not them?